So what is dating, really? At its core, it’s an investment.
Think about it for a second. Back in the day, what did you do before heading out to a nightclub, a concert, or wherever you planned to spend your weekend—with the intention of meeting someone? You invested. And not just a little. You bought a new outfit because you were tired of the old one. You got a pair of shoes to match. You bought that perfume you were convinced would make everyone turn their heads. You went to the hairdresser. Women did their makeup. Men styled their hair, shaved, and got ready. You invested your time, your energy, and, of course, your money.
It was a completely goal-oriented investment. Because the real objective wasn’t to admire the club’s lighting system. It was to meet someone.
Then you arrived, looking your absolute best. You scanned the room, sized up the crowd, and eventually spotted someone who caught your eye. Maybe it was their smile, their energy, the way they moved, the look in their eyes, or simply that unexplainable something that drew you in. You made your move. As a man, you offered to buy her a drink. As a woman, you accepted the drink. A connection was made. A conversation started. Maybe it turned into something. Maybe it didn’t. But at least there was a chance.
Now compare that to what happens today.
You sign up for a dating app. You pay for a subscription because, let’s be honest, without it you can’t do much of anything. The free version mostly exists to remind you of everything you’re supposedly missing out on if you don’t pay. You upload a few flattering photos. Hopefully you write a decent bio. Then you start swiping. Left. Right. Left. Right. Sound familiar?
But what are you actually doing?
Exactly the same thing you used to. You’re investing. Money. Time. Energy. You think about which photos to upload, what to write about yourself, how much of your personality to reveal, whether you should come across as funny, serious, mysterious, or somewhere in between. You browse profiles, weigh your options, make decisions, and hope you’re making the right ones. You’re still working toward success. The only difference is that now you’re doing it while staring at a screen.
So where does it all go wrong?
Right when you find someone you genuinely like. Unlike in a bar, you can’t simply walk over and buy them a drink. You can’t catch their eye across the room. You can’t read their body language, their smile, or their gestures. All you have is messaging. So you start talking.
The problem is… You’re probably chatting with at least six other people at the same time. And chances are they’re doing exactly the same thing. One chat window after another. Who did you send that joke to? Who replied? Where did that conversation leave off? Who are you supposed to text back? Before you know it, you’re no longer talking to people. You’re just juggling open conversations and notifications.
And with that, your attention gets pulled in six or seven different directions.
Now here’s the thing.
When you bought a girl a drink at the club, you didn’t immediately sprint across the room to buy drinks for six more women just to keep your options open. You didn’t stand in seven different lines delivering the exact same pickup line while the first woman was still sitting across from you. You focused on her. You wanted to find out whether there was chemistry between the two of you. That’s it.
And as a woman, while you were sharing a drink with someone, you probably weren’t constantly scanning the room, making eye contact with six other guys just in case one of them turned out to be a better deal. At least, most people weren’t.
There was one moment. One person. One opportunity. Then it either worked… Or it didn’t.
Later, you’d find out whether your investment paid off. If it did—great. Cue the confetti, the exchanged phone numbers, and the next date. If it didn’t? The world kept spinning. The following weekend you got dressed again, made the investment again, and started over.
That’s exactly why I think this is where online dating goes off the rails.
If you find someone on a dating app who genuinely interests you, focus on that one person. Give them your real attention. Get to know them. Talk to them. Don’t spend the whole time wondering whether the next swipe might reveal someone even better. This isn’t an online store where there’s always a cheaper product waiting on the next page.
And if they turn out not to be the one you’re looking for? That’s okay too. The others will still be there. Just like they’d still be at the club next weekend, they’ll still be on the app tomorrow, next week, and most likely next month too.
But get to the point of meeting in person. Preferably sooner rather than later. Because the longer your connection exists only through messages, the more your interest in each other starts to fade. The conversation gets tired. The topics dry up. And meanwhile, you begin creating a version of the other person that doesn’t actually exist.
Your imagination quietly fills in all the blanks. You imagine their voice. The way they move. Their sense of humor. Their personality. You idealize them. Then, when you finally meet, reality often looks nothing like the movie you’ve been playing in your head. Not because they’re a worse person. But because they’re simply not the person you created in your imagination.
Investment. Money. Time. Energy. Attention. And above all… Focus. That’s what dating requires.
Because the driving force behind any goal-oriented effort has always been success. And success takes more than simply showing up. You have to invest what the outcome demands.
Without investment, there is no return. Simple as that.
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